based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
