Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
