She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
