just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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