oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
