Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
