Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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