This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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