she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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