I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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