There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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