who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
