are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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