i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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