She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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