I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
