You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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