Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
