He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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