Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
