Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
