he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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