You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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