I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
