Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
