does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
