Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
