you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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