My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
