there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
did i just pee glitter
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
