you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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