Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
