She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
