ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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