I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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