dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
