i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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