Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize