I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
