And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
