if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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