She's JV to your varsity
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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