there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
