Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
