Cold hands, warm shart.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
