just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
