Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
