dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
