the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
