the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
