he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
