If i come over, it means nothing
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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