Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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