Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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